The School Mindset is the Poisonous, Shiny, Red Apple
Breaking the spell of compulsory learning, the poisonous system that is cloaked in disguise as a satisfying shiny, red apple.
The FREE DARE TO DESCHOOL COURSE is a course dedicated to those interested in embarking upon this deschooling journey.
School culture runs so deeply in our blood that we are often unaware of the ways we have traded the joy of learning in life for a poisonous system that is cloaked in disguise as a satisfying shiny, red apple.
I am not anti-school, but I am anti-harm. I am against methods that impede our freedom and go against the natural ways in which children (and all humans) learn best. If we ingrain in children that learning is something done to them, we stifle their natural curiosity, and their critical thinking. We take away their autonomy and convince them that their inner drive to learn, explore, and pursue their passions and natural curiosities is far less important than conforming to the system. We become conditioned and continue to condition our children in the here and now that their time is best spent doing things that others tell them to do, regardless of their interest or opinion about it.
Learning X by Y time becomes the golden standard. The conditioning runs so deep that we believe in our bones that children do not know how to learn best and that they need a teacher, a form of authority, to tell them what, when, how, and where to learn the things the authority deems important. These things also, just so happen, to be the exact same thing for every child. It’s so ingrained that we rebuttal any questioning to it by saying things like, “well, yeah, but children have to learn to read, do math, _____(fill in the blank). Spoken as if learning to read and do math are needed for every child at the same age, regardless of their readiness or interest, and as if these skills don’t show up in daily life for children, in natural, meaningful ways.
The shiny, red apple of systematic learning tells us that learning through life isn’t “enough”. Children need “more”. Learning in natural, meaningful ways without compulsion and mandates, couldn’t possibly prepare a child for life, so the thinking goes. We must take children out of life and sit them at a desk, in order to prepare them for life. Make sense?
Our authentic selves, with our thirst for knowledge, driven by our innate curiosities and zeal for life is sacrificed at the altar in favor of submitting to authority, conformity, & performance-based achievement. Natural, joyful learning driven by the autonomous learner, is stamped out, in favor of finding our worth & “joy” in how much we “know” & in what grade we receive.
As adults, we continue to live under this spell, finding that the gnarly hand of the system that offered it to us, poisoned it before we took our first bite. Keeping our eyes locked on the alluring illusion of “enoughness” and “perfection”.
The shiny, red apple is on display when we desperately question if we are a “good” parent, measuring ourselves by an imaginary “rubric”. We grade ourselves against others we deem are “doing it right” and determine if we have checked enough “good parenting” boxes for the day. We see the toxicity as we compare ourselves against other parents and find that our children’s behavior and academic performance are the measuring sticks we use to feel good about ourselves. They become our “project” or “assignment” we believe we will be graded on. The poison continues to spread as we constantly question if our children are doing “enough”, wonder if they’re “behind”, or when we brag about how they’re “ahead”.
The poison shows up as our incessant worry, fear, and anxiety that pervades our minds regarding where our children fall on the line of standardized learning. Our catastrophic thinking leads us to believe that if our children don’t know everything we think they “should know”, they’re doomed for life. Do we ever stop to think how much they forget after the test, anyways? Do we ever stop to think what we actually remember from each grade level? If we don’t remember it, was it that important anyways? Might we have learned it when we needed it, when we desired it, instead?
In this push for our children to follow this system, we ingrain in them and ourselves that life is not about joy and freedom, but about conforming to the way things are. We strip away their curiosity to invent illusions of control and toxic standards and expectations that none of us can live up to. We trade deep, meaningful learning, relationship, and authenticity for a farce.
I remember as young as elementary school thinking why is it that I count down the days until the weekend? Why does it seem like everyone just lives for the weekends? What’s the point of that?
What if we don’t have to live that way? What if this isn’t just “the way it is”? What if we are allowing these limited believes to dictate our lives and our children’s education? What if we can dream again and model and empower our children to dream again, as well?
While I would never suggest that life is always rosy, that we can “dream it and do it” at all times, or that every person has the same amount of privilege or opportunity to just go and “chase their dreams”, I do believe that we can begin to strip away at the mindsets that hold us unnecessarily hostage. Life will still be life. But, that’s the point. We don’t have to add on extra, arbitrary methods and modes of living that poison us into believing that we can’t be free in the ways that we actually can be. There will always be things working against us and we certainly are not in control, with the ability to always rise above all of our circumstances. But, we can free our mindsets surrounding what true learning is and identify where, instead, we keep biting into the poisons shiny, red apple of compulsory learning and inauthentic ways of living and being.
Where we find ourselves fearful, observe feelings of urgency, or sense a “need” to control others (especially our children), we can take a step back and find the trace of the red, shiny apple. We can become aware that we have bitten off of it again and begin to change old, familiar patterns of stale living and learning to new, vibrant patterns of freedom and chasing after passions, learning along the way.
Children do not need us to dictate every minute of their days or to mandate them to learn. They are hardwired to learn. We may just have some “deschooling” to do surrounding what we believe is most valuable. We may have bought the lie of the poisonous apple that tells us that there is a hierarchy in the world of learning, where subjects such as math and reading are not only more important than other things, but also the way in which we learn them has to look a certain way, by a certain time.
Children who are given the freedom to “play” with numbers, letters, words, ideas, & discover these through real life experiences, build a foundation of natural curiosity & exploration. When and if a child does need more advanced study in a particular area, to pursue their passions & goals in life, they will have the prior knowledge & foundation from these fond memories & natural experiences.
Breaking down learning into subjects to be completed, increases our blindness & our children’s to the ways in which the beauty of all the “subjects” are all around us, waiting for us to joyfully discover them, interwoven together like a patchwork quilt.
Children’s learning was never ours to attempt to mandate. It is theirs. The poison comes from believing it was ever ours to manipulate or co-opt. But, because ours was likely manipulated and co-opted, this is the familiar pattern that we know. We are in a cage and we don’t even know it. As we begin to gift our children with the autonomy of their learning, partnering with them, as opposed to attempting to lord over them, we begin to gift this joyful learning back to ourselves.
The belief that not requiring learning creates “lazy” children who become complacent adults who don’t know how to work “hard” is a fallacy. We as humans are actually less likely to work hard when we feel we are being controlled or required. We may work hard out of fear of punishment, people pleasing, or other inferior motives, but is this our goal? To develop children who work hard under the threat or fear of punishment (real or perceived)?
Grades don’t motivate students to work hard with the motivation, thirst, and pure delight in the knowledge of the subject matter, instead they motivate students to obtain the A and revel in the praise of their peers and authority.
The motivation to work hard, to truly learn in meaningful ways that that the learner themselves deems as meaningful and worthwhile, comes from within. We, the parent, or educator, can ignite, empower, model, encourage, and collaborate with the learner to inspire this drive. But, we can’t make them “work hard” and in our attempt to do so, we may be stripping them of the opportunity to “work hard” in a way that brings far more joy and has far more lasting effects on their unique learning journey. In our exhaustive attempts to get our children to care about the things we want them to care about and spend time on the things we think they should, we enter into power struggles that not only disconnect us from them, but also waste the precious energy that we have. We bite into the poisonous apple, once again, when we embark upon this unnecessary endeavor.
We do not need to know all of the same things in our lives. There is time for our children to learn what they need to know. It is beneficial for them for us to give them the space, time, and freedom to explore their interests, so they can explore their passions with curiosity. The skills they need in life, will come. Gifting them with autonomy, support, and unconditional love, as they learn to lean into their authentic selves, and as we learn to lean into ours, is the firmest foundation we can give them as we continue to fan the flame of the love of learning in their lives.
Deschooling is the antedote to this poisonous shiny, red apple, the system of compulsory learning. Both those who remain in a more traditional school setting & those who choose different paths can become aware of the toxicity & help to break the mold. Deschooling takes the school out of learning, the system out of our lives. Even those who must remain or choose to remain in a school system, can develop mindsets of freedom, that give autonomy and empowerment to the learner. Developing these mindsets also frees us, the parent, from catastrophic thinking and allows us to collaborate with our children. For those who want to reform their schools or for those who wish to leave, deschooling is what enables us to stop biting off the metaphorical apple.
Our family has chosen to embark upon a life without school. An educational path, otherwise known as “unschooling”. While there are a multitude of opinions and criticisms about this word, I choose to hold onto it for a variety of reasons. I do not think it is the only path we can take for those of us who dare to embark upon the deschooling journey, but I do encourage those who are interested, to learn more about this intoxicating, free way to educate.
Let’s do this together, we can’t do it alone. It’s for the sake of us all.
The FREE DARE TO DESCHOOL COURSE is a course dedicated to those interested in embarking upon this deschooling journey. It’s a passion project that I am so excited to share with you all!
Let’s keep Reclaiming The Wild Child,
-Steph